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  1. Move south. Further south. Even further south than that. Probably a little more East, too, if you’re in the contiguous United States; anywhere east of the Continental Divide should set you up nicely. If you need more guidance even than that, keep an eye on the humidity index. When it’s consistently hitting 100% or greater even when it’s perfectly sunny outside, you’re just about there.
  2. Throw out all of your highlighters. There is no point. If you are passing through a rest stop full of road-tripping families and you happen to see a miserable teenager sulking on a picnic table alone in much more clothing than is reasonable for the temperature, try giving it to them; they’ll either be able to make use of it or enjoy smashing it up.
  3. If you’ve somehow gotten your hands on one of the really pretty ones, the ones that are multicolored or pressed into nice shapes for some reason even though as soon as you touch them they will inevitably become a more pleasing than usual but still undeniable brownish-grey, you can keep that one. Shipping costs were ungodly enough; no sense putting it to waste.
  4. Acquire somewhere to live.
  5. Acquire some places to go. One might suggest a job, for solvency’s sake, but social engagements are also acceptable, and frequently more rewarding.
  6. Walk from any air-conditioned building or enclosed space to your car.
  7. Congratulations! The sensation you are experiencing, as though someone truly obnoxious has exhaled strongly into your face and also all over your entire body, including under your clothes, is exactly what we were hoping for. You have acquired dewy skin.
  8. Sweat. It’s sweat.
  9. (You might as well lean into it; it’s good for the pores.)
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