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So, I bought a house. It was a long and arduous process during which almost everyone I know pointed out to me that I was hyperventilating, and I frankly have no desire to relive it. Instead, I’m going to continue procrastinating on repainting my bedroom by writing about the bizarre things people apparently choose to do when they are trying to get their house ready to sell.

They’ve left the switch plates on when they repainted most of the rooms various shades of tan and beige, so that when I take them off the paint sometimes peels off with them.

They chose the color family “beige” as their source of inspiration. Apparently it is supposed to be soothingly neutral, but God, at what cost?? Does anyone actually enjoy the feeling of living in a sandcastle? It’s rained so often lately that one cannot help but feel the whole place might dissolve around one.

Anyway, I’ve taken apart all my furniture – namely the bed, on which I might want to throw myself in a fit of pique in the near future, more’s the pity – so I can only lie on the floor, while I stare into the Netflix void and dream of somehow implementing Home Depot’s color testing software into real life and redoing the whole house at the touch of a button.

But if I don’t actually do anything, nothing will ever get done. I must not let the fear of horrible dramatic failure and/or somehow knocking large holes in the wall and unleashing huge families of roaches keep me from actually getting this done. (I’ve got a vivid imagination, a yard full of live oaks, and a few too many unfortunate surprises on my mind.) I must prevail. This room will be Crystal Rapids or I will be covered in green paint, so help me Grayskull. (Whoever Grayskull is.)

Unless the color I picked is not actually called Crystal Rapids, in which case it will be…whatever shade of light green I liked last week at the paint section.