- Move south. Further south. Even further south than that. Probably a little more East, too, if you’re in the contiguous United States; anywhere east of the Continental Divide should set you up nicely. If you need more guidance even than that, keep an eye on the humidity index. When it’s consistently hitting 100% or greater even when it’s perfectly sunny outside, you’re just about there.
- Throw out all of your highlighters. There is no point. If you are passing through a rest stop full of road-tripping families and you happen to see a miserable teenager sulking on a picnic table alone in much more clothing than is reasonable for the temperature, try giving it to them; they’ll either be able to make use of it or enjoy smashing it up.
- If you’ve somehow gotten your hands on one of the really pretty ones, the ones that are multicolored or pressed into nice shapes for some reason even though as soon as you touch them they will inevitably become a more pleasing than usual but still undeniable brownish-grey, you can keep that one. Shipping costs were ungodly enough; no sense putting it to waste.
- Acquire somewhere to live.
- Acquire some places to go. One might suggest a job, for solvency’s sake, but social engagements are also acceptable, and frequently more rewarding.
- Walk from any air-conditioned building or enclosed space to your car.
- Congratulations! The sensation you are experiencing, as though someone truly obnoxious has exhaled strongly into your face and also all over your entire body, including under your clothes, is exactly what we were hoping for. You have acquired dewy skin.
- Sweat. It’s sweat.
- (You might as well lean into it; it’s good for the pores.)
So, I bought a house. It was a long and arduous process during which almost everyone I know pointed out to me that I was hyperventilating, and I frankly have no desire to relive it. Instead, I’m going to continue procrastinating on repainting my bedroom by writing about the bizarre things people apparently choose to do when they are trying to get their house ready to sell.
They’ve left the switch plates on when they repainted most of the rooms various shades of tan and beige, so that when I take them off the paint sometimes peels off with them.
They chose the color family “beige” as their source of inspiration. Apparently it is supposed to be soothingly neutral, but God, at what cost?? Does anyone actually enjoy the feeling of living in a sandcastle? It’s rained so often lately that one cannot help but feel the whole place might dissolve around one.
Anyway, I’ve taken apart all my furniture – namely the bed, on which I might want to throw myself in a fit of pique in the near future, more’s the pity – so I can only lie on the floor, while I stare into the Netflix void and dream of somehow implementing Home Depot’s color testing software into real life and redoing the whole house at the touch of a button.
But if I don’t actually do anything, nothing will ever get done. I must not let the fear of horrible dramatic failure and/or somehow knocking large holes in the wall and unleashing huge families of roaches keep me from actually getting this done. (I’ve got a vivid imagination, a yard full of live oaks, and a few too many unfortunate surprises on my mind.) I must prevail. This room will be Crystal Rapids or I will be covered in green paint, so help me Grayskull. (Whoever Grayskull is.)
Unless the color I picked is not actually called Crystal Rapids, in which case it will be…whatever shade of light green I liked last week at the paint section.