I was going to blog yesterday–I had a whole post all planned out, no lie–and then I had to pick up my mom from the airport, and then I got hooked on Farscape again because my friend said she had the bit of it that has the happy ending that isn’t on Netflix, so now I can finish the series. Mostly, as you can tell, I just straight-up forgot.
On the plus side, it means that I get to reuse what I was going to post about yesterday, which is the book Far Far Away by Tom McNeal, and–I’m really lazy so I’m going to just straight-up paste in the email I sent J. about it yesterday.
our hero, jeremy johnson johnson, has Had A Difficult Time Of It because of course, he needs some money to save his bookstore/apartment thing. he ends up playing a prank on the baker guy because a girl told him to basically and then the whole town is like Ugh No Jeremy=Satan. very sad for poor jer. (emy.)
SO ALSO jeremy can talk to ghosts, in particular the ghost of jacob grimm of brothers grimm fame, blah blah fairytales, blah blah narrative structure, blah blah. there’s a quiz show called uncommon knowledge that is conveniently going to pass through their town and BAM JEREMY TALKS TO THIS ONE GHOST so he has uncommon knowledge about the brothers grimm. also he’s fifteen so the hosts are like yeaaaaaahhhhhh teen viewersssss yeahhhhhh
so he loses, because the very last question is about disney snow white as compared to actual story!snow white, and like goes home to be sad or whatever. sad jeremy in snow. sad jeremy with no house at all, very sad.
okay so nice baker guy is all “aw you were just playing a trick, you didn’t mean anything bad, sorry, let me give you some work since you got fired from all your odd jobs because everyone here sucks, let me be a paternal figure at you and ginger” (ginger’s the girl) and so they do that and it’s all very heartwarming and then BAKER DUDE FUCKING KIDNAPS THE SHIT OUT OF THEM WITH POISONED SMOOTHIES???? AND PUTS THEM IN HIS BASEMENT???? AND TRIES TO KILL THEM?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
LIKE LITERALLY THEY ARE AT A FUCKING LAKE HAVING A PICNIC AND THEN GHOST NARRATOR GUY GOES “IF ONLY I’D BEEN PAYING MORE ATTENTION I WOULDN’T HAVE NOTICED THAT THE SMOOTHIES WERE POISON.”
THE BAKER GUY HAS BEEN LOCKING PEOPLE IN HIS SECRET DUNGEON FOR YEARS. THE WHOLE BOOK THEY’RE LIKE “OH WEIRD DISAPPEARING KIDS WHATEVS” AND THEN SECRET FUCKING BAKER DUNGEON AND IT’S NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MAGIC SPELLS OR WHATEVER, IT’S JUST SOME CRAZY-ASS SWEDISH BAKER, WHO HAS BEEN MAKING HIS MAGIC CAKES TO CELEBRATE KILLING SOME FUCKING KIDNAPPED CHILDREN, WHAT THE FUCK
and like i’m reading this going “lalalala, hope somebody breaks the curse soon/jeremy learns about the power of love/all the kids get turned back from frogs or whatever the evil magic curse on the town did” and then WHAT THE FUCK, POISONING, WHAT
ghost narrator is just like “drat,” basically. “lalala, i write fairy stories, false sense of security, PSYCHOPATH MURDERER BAKERS, drat.”
who the hell did the marketing for this book, is what i am asking. the title bit is just “in a small town where nothing ever happens, everything is about to change.” the last line of the synopsis on the back is “together, they discover that sometimes far, far away is much closer than you think” which okay, yes, i can see the signs now, but when it was just like “and then suddenly poisoned smoothies!” i nearly had a panic attack because what
this has been another episode of “aren’t you glad you’re friends with me so emails like this can happen to you”