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Y’all I just. I am totally out of cares to give, to be honest, so–let’s just–all sit here on the kitchen floor, and lean against the nice cool cabinets, and not think about how we got out a bunch of ingredients and left them on the counter and thus must do something with them before they get weird. Let’s do that.

Anyway.

Classes start tomorrow, and I am going to cry myself to sleep forever, I think, but that is immaterial. You are gonna need some food to eat while you try to trick your body into not giving up on you entirely as you completely prevent it from getting any sleep ever again. So on this last Sunday night of freedom until possibly ever again, I’m gonna tell you what I’m doing re: dying of neither starvation nor heart disease.

  1. Pretending all fast food restaurants have been engulfed in flames in the twenty hours since we ordered pizza last night. Anywhere with a drive-through was demolished and then set on fire and then steamrolled.
  2. Salad is good.
  3. You can cook things and keep them in the fridge for the week. Ideally you don’t think about doing this at 7:30 PM Central Standard Time, because that is just gonna make the whole thing seem super exhausting, but it is possible.
  4. Salad is good. Here is how I usually make salad: spring mix; spinach; onions; some kind of acidic fruit (strawberries, which we’re out of, so kiwis, which we have a lot of and with which I have no idea what else to do); apples; protein source (chicken or almonds); cheese (sometimes); frozen corn (trust me) (unless you hate corn or can’t eat it or whatever); some kind of dressing. An avocado, because I have one. Chop what needs to be chopped and add it in the proportions that match your lifestyle. Or if you’re lazy (hello) chop all the everything, stick it in a bowl, eat as you stare grimly into your class calendar for the semester. Wish you had paid more attention to the proportions when you get to the bottom and it’s basically half an avocado with shreds of onion and some corn kernels stuck to it disintegrating into a pool of–apparently honey mustard vinaigrette, says the refrigerator.
  5. EDITED TO CLARIFY. DO NOT DO THIS. IT TASTES LIKE REGRET. I AM EATING IT BECAUSE I AM HUNGRY AND OUT OF FOOD NOW BECAUSE I FED ALL OF IT TO THIS SALAD MONSTER, BUT DON’T.
  6. But that’s the future. Because the present is still sitting on the floor. Being really hungry. Wishing there was pita bread anywhere in the house, because the fridge has no fewer than three kinds of hummus in it, or approximately slightly over two pounds.
  7. Why?
  8. Voids don’t answer questions. The nothingness does not respond.
  9. Okay Ned GET OFF THE FLOOR. MAKE THE DAMN FOOD. LIVE, DAMN YOU. IF YOU LIVE YOU GET TO WATCH YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN AGAIN. WON’T THAT BE NICE? MAYBE? AND YOU CAN ASK THAT CUTE GIRL OUT TO COFFEE ONE DAY UNLESS YOU FREAK OUT AGAIN. HOORAY.
  10. NOW THE LAPTOP’S ON THE COUNTER! IMPROVEMENT! WELL DONE, YOU. YOU WILL WIN THIS SEMESTER FOR SURE.

This blog is like x% food, y% mental instability, z% other, qwerty% bad at math. I’d apologize but nope.

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