Y’all we have reached a dangerous point in this weekly recipe (I use the word “recipe” because all the more accurate, less flattering terms, like “example of what to not ever do”, are much, much longer) scheme. Plan. Thing.

I have run out of things I actually know how to make without some kind of assistance.

Also, last night I had Pringles, cheesecake, and wine for dinner, so I am feeling really ill-positioned to advise anyone. And just generally ill. Because as you might guess those things do not hang out like friends in combination with each other.

So what the hell am I gonna tell you how to make today, you may be wondering? Good question.

Oh thank god I’ve just gone back over the annals of this here blog thing and found no particular reference to guacamole. THE BLOG IS SAFE FOR ANOTHER WEEK. (Also, I’m a bit less terrible to read than I thought, and I should post more! If you disagree with me, never, ever say anything! Stop reading my blog! GET A LIFE.)

I acknowledge that most of this is less “cooking” and more “things you can mash together in a bowl and then eat on chips to assuage your sadness,” but just–just go with it. I am not ready yet to face my own inadequacies, I’m saving that for after grades come in.


  1. I am mostly stealing this “recipe” from my aunt, who got it from a fancy grocery store she worked at in North Carolina, but also guacamole is (like most things) a thing that is largely to taste! So whatever.
  2. YOU WILL NEED: some avocados; some onions; some garlic; the ability to distinguish cilantro from parsley and reliably purchase only the former instead of buying a gigantic quantity of the latter by mistake (ha ha, that ended badly that one time!); at least one lime, or one of those squeezy things of lime juice; salsa, or some kind of tomato-based thing, I guess you could just use plain raw tomatoes if you like them (I don’t); cumin; salt; pepper, maybe, but it’s never made a distinct difference to me; hot sauce (obviously); a clear-headed, practical outlook on life.
  3. You will need the last one, but you will probably not be able to find it unless you actually live inside the Lifetime, Oxygen, or PAX networks. Are any of those still a thing? I didn’t have cable for nearly two years, I have no idea what television is up to lately.
  4. Chop all the things and mix them together.
  5. I.
  6. Yep.
  7. I mean, don’t chop the hot sauce, because that will only lead to endless disappointment–unless you’re a particle physicist, in which case it might lead to an atom bomb; and you cannot eat that with chips.
  8. OKAY, OKAY, FINE. Let us talk about ratios! I usually use three avocados (we’re going to assume that this is the base measurement for everything) to approximately half of a medium-size onion, or approximately three thick-ish slices of a large one; but some people do not like onions! Do what you want.
  9. I usually think about five cloves of garlic is appropriate for general daily life, but depending on the size of the whole thing of garlic (it is either called a head or a bulb, it does not seem to matter, I am a little bloodthirsty today as per usual so HEAD OF GARLIC IT IS) that will/will not be enough. If the cloves are large, like you peel them off and the inner side is about as wide as a quarter (this happens, and it is awesome), you probably only need two or three; if all the cloves are really skinny, you may need like seven. It’s a lot of variation, which if you are just starting to cook can be incredibly terrifying.
  10. PAUSE FOR A LIFE LESSON: guacamole is really forgiving! You can always, always save it. Avocados love you and they want you to be happy. Unless you are allergic, in which case they still love you but they can never be with you, it is like that one famous historically relevant literary reference about two entities that loved each other but could never be together.
  11. What was I even doing.
  12. Right! Cilantro: probably four or five of the…whatever-they-ares. Are’s? You should not be typing like this, kiddo, you are a grown adult. Oh well. You want the leaf bits and not the stalk bits, mostly, but only because the stalks are really fibrous, which means they take a long time to chew and are bitter. Like relationships! (Don’t chew your relationships or you won’t have any left.) As with all the other ingredients, taste and see (the grace eternal, taste and see that God is Good, I am a recovering Catholic, this is a hymn, do not expect to combine the listed ingredients and end up with reconstituted Jesus, if that actually happens you should probably get yourself to a CT scan immediately because you might be having a stroke? That is what medical dramas have told me).
  13. I have no idea what to tell you, if you are using raw tomatoes. I use salsa instead because of my thing about raw tomatoes. Which is that they are awful. “Why do you like salsa so much?” someone will inevitably ask, because someone keeps asking, and it is deeply frustrating. Because shut up, that guy. Because shut up.
  14. Other benefits of salsa include that it is already seasoned, so you don’t really need to worry about finding combinations of things to put in it.
  16. would that even work???
  17. i refuse to ever find out never mind DON’T DO THAT IT MIGHT OPEN A PORTAL TO HELL
  18. Add the lime. You are a grown-up. You can do grown-up things, like juice a lime, and not give up so much that you just mash some avocados into some salsa and call it guacamole.
  19. Add the other spices.
  20. Mash it all together with a fork. I like it a little chunky, where you still get medium-to-small chunks of flavored avocado on the chip, but some people do not go for that sort of thing.
  21. Dear shiny Lord Cthulhu Christ I have given myself an existential crisis again about the salsa thing, why is my entire life a danger zone, I am gonna go work on my final now and then weep gently into my cardigan until I fall asleep in this coffee shop. People who love me can address my mail to: Why Are You Like This; Everything Has Gone Terribly Wrong Again; Somewhere In Cleveland, OH, [infinity sign][actual human heart][lone unblinking eye].