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Y’all, there is a way to make classy mini-pizzas to astound your friends and irritate your enemies with just already-cooked things you can find at Wal*Mart.

This is not it.

This is for those days when you hate everything, including yourself, and you need some sodium and grease in your life, and you don’t even care about how much the high fat content is going to make your already-crappy body image that much worse. This is for Saturday afternoons when you manage to lever yourself out of bed to get some work done at your favorite coffee shop only to realize that their summer hours were over an hour ago and they didn’t post it on their website. This is for Wednesday nights to go with that huge bottle of frighteningly cheap red wine that was the only thing you bought at the grocery store.

This is for when you start trying to combine two different final projects, a month’s worth of work logs and reflective journal entries, the rest of your full-time unpaid internship, trying to fix identity fraud, a professional conference, and moving in the same thirty-day period.

Go ahead and have like nine of them. You might as well. The heart attack will serve as a temporary reprieve.

  1. Get a mini tortilla. (Yep.)
  2. Maybe you actually have pizza sauce lying around somewhere. If you do, this makes you Classy, and you are lost; go and read mini pizza recipes from a pretty blog with some kind of graphics on it.
  3. Squirt some kind of sauce on the tortilla, anyway. Caesar dressing works. It also adds that extra touch of self-loathing that really makes the dish come together.
  4. You have shredded cheese. Don’t even lie. If you don’t, one of your roommates does, and you can rely on social niceties to prevent them from mentioning your thievery to you.* Put some of your ill-gotten dairy product (or lie product, if you’re vegan) on top of whatever ungodly substance you’ve put on top of the tortilla.
  5. Season to taste. (As if.)
  6. Microwave that shit until the cheese looks as uncomfortable as this whole experience is making the bits of your soul that still care about things like justice and honesty.
  7. It will be too hot to touch, and the tortilla will be too fragile to pick up, anyway. Gently tug the whole mess so that some of it hangs over the edge of the plate and take a bite.
  8. Do not apologize. Never apologize. This is your life now; this is who you are. This abomination is your soul, and you and it are one. Only by devouring yourself can you be reborn.

*Seriously, though, if you use up all of your roommate’s cheese, buy them some more. Society is based on rules. We can only live together if we agree to follow the ones that do not harm us.