Y’all I got like ten hours of sleep last night and I am still so tired, why did I decide I had to be awake. Why? Who knows.

But I have this thing that I do now where I write blog posts about cooking on Sundays, so here we go.

Making black beans that don’t just taste like, you know, bean mash, is a delicate operation. You can start with dried ones if you’re gonna be all incredibly badass about it (or I guess economical, I’m not sure if they’re cheaper that way), but it is hard as shit. I’ve never done it. Believe in cans. They are there anyway.

You’re going to want to start off with unseasoned ones, obviously. (Although admittedly I’ve never had the seasoned ones, so maybe they’re awesome and this whole post is pointless! But I choose to believe otherwise.) The Bush’s brand has kind of cornered the market on all things bean-related–legumes, one might say, except that peas and peanuts are also legumes, and I’ve never heard of Bush’s brand canned peanuts, so. Anyway, start with that.

You’re supposed to rinse beans because all the weird bean particles taste–odd? But put some water back in, because you’re going to make this on the stove, and if you don’t add water it kind of turns the beans into mush more. I don’t know why. I know that it happened to me on Thursday, which was disappointing.

There are two ways to rinse beans:

  1. Dump them out into another container. Add water. Swirl around. Pour off the water, but not the beans. This way is faster and gets the beans cleaner and generally requires less effort, but, I dunno, sometimes trying not to pour out the beans with the water just seems really hard and/or you don’t feel like having to wash another thing, so:
  2. When you open the can, make sure the is still attached at one end. Turn on the faucet of the sink over it. Let the water flow until it looks like the beans are going to escape; hold the lid over the beans, swirl them around, and pour off the excess liquid. Repeat until you feel like you’re done.

I mean, this is what I believe.

You can put kind of whatever you want into beans, depending on the flavors you like. I’ve found that in general they enjoy cumin and garlic and lime juice and hot sauce, because those are the things I put into basically everything. But also cumin. For real. I left it out on Thursday and the whole experience was just really disappointing. Also, beans like salt the same way potatoes do. By which I mean in large quantities. Don’t skimp on the salt.

Speaking of hot sauce, this seems like a good time to plug my favorite brand, which is Louisiana Classic. Subsidize me!

So. Now you have black beans! Well done! What do you do with them? Pretty much everything: feed them to your vegan friends! Put them in burritos! Make weird Frito pies when you’ve eaten everything else in your apartment but the Fritos and some cheese! THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER.

(Don’t do the last thing, it’ll just fill you with regret.)