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Between the love my roommates and I share for cooking shows and how much I’ve been thinking about diet and exercise type things lately, food is pretty much always on my mind.

I’ve decided the best way to really learn how to cook is to move across the country from everything you know without a car. There’s a grocery store a few blocks away that I walk to when I run out of things, but it seriously cuts down on how much I can buy things like potato chips, which take up a lot of space in a shoulder bag and are actually really delicate, and cheesecake, which would melt in the heat. (It’s usually pretty mild, but I love cheesecake too much to even risk it.)

That’s why not having a car helps. Moving across the country helped because I’m no longer in the center of a pizza nexus (MY LOVE DO NOT FORGET ME). I have no idea where any of the good takeout places are, and even if I did, it’s not like I can hop in my car and zoom around to wherever the delicious pseudo-Chinese food is and then zoom right back. I’d have to walk, and I’m lazy.

So I’ve been living off really simple food–apples and raw almonds, baked sweet potatoes, avocado and hummus sandwiches–and the generosity of my roommates, especially Thing 1, who is just really super nice and likes to cook and everything.

But that starts feeling creepy after a while, because I do not like unequal sharing and I have nothing she wants except money. And paying for my own groceries and chipping in for someone else’s too (even though it’s so I can eat their food) is going to get really expensive.

So I’m not going to do it anymore! She wrote, ten minutes after asking if she could make scrambled eggs with some of Thing 1’s eggs! Whatever; if a paradox forms, I’ll just wait until the Doctor shows up and force Matt Smith to take me out to lunch. Mama needs a decent burrito.

Mama needs to buy her own damn tortillas, probably.

Maybe Mama just needs to set up some kind of food rota? There are at least two different kinds of rice in this apartment and God knows how many doubled vegetables; it would be so much easier to take it in turns. Maybe that way I would remember what of what’s in the fridge belongs to me.

There was almost a crisis when we ran out of bread the other day–well, Thing 1 ran out of bread, because I ate it, and since Thing 2 works weird hours and is almost never home when we are I couldn’t ask her for some–but then one of the other interns came over for dinner and donated bread in thanks. CRISIS AVERTED. Until next week, I guess. Whatever.

Anyway. Because I really do want to do this blogging thing more regularly, and because having some order in my life that I get to set up myself makes me (rough approximation) three thousand percent more functional, I am decreeing Sundays “Cook Like A Proto-Adult” days on the blog.

So this is how you make roasted vegetables Bathtub Diaries style (sorry not sorry about the swearing):

  1. Cut up some shit. I mean, really. I like to use potatoes, carrots, and broccoli; for those of you who don’t like broccoli, if you haven’t had it like this, you should really try it, because it tastes totally different. I was really sketchy about it myself for a long long time, but then my friends who are getting kind of nuts about ~fitness!!!~ had us over for dinner and made this, and it was awesome. The tops get all crunchy and the rest of it gets all caramelized and awesome and great. DO IT. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.
  2. Put them on a cookie sheet.
  3. Y’all, this recipe is ridiculously easy. I am writing it down because I still can’t believe how easy it is and how awesome it tastes. Food does not have to be hard! I keep forgetting! People get really nuts about like EXACTLY THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS in EXACTLY THE RIGHT PROPORTIONS and TEMPERATURES and TECHNIQUES and stuff, but, I mean, figure out how you like stuff and do what you think will work out; it’s gonna be okay.
  4. Anyway, put some oil on top of them. I used vegetable oil, because that’s what we (well, Thing 1) had; olive oil is traditional, but it didn’t make a difference that I could taste. This part you might want to experiment with a little depending on how crunchy you want especially the broccoli to be (adding more oil should, I think, keep the broccoli from getting crispy; adding less should make it crispier) and how…wet, I guess, or moisturized, you want the rest of it to be. I keep thinking “slimy” but that’s a bad word to use with food, so.
  5. SEASON THAT SHIT. I use Tony’s because I’m from the south and I swore my allegiance in a candlelit ceremony kind of like the one from Pitch Perfect. I also used garlic salt, because I never had before I came here and Thing 1 had some and my life is changed forever.
  6. Oven temperature! Is a thing! I used 425; some recipes will say 475, which seemed crazy high to me, and some will say something more like 375 or even 350, which seemed a little low. I know roasted potatoes like to be at higher temperatures, so I just kind of guessed. I put them in right after I turned the oven on; I have no idea if you’re “supposed to” or not, but it worked. (COOKING.)
  7. So, timing. I put them in for about forty minutes total. After fifteen, you take them out and kind of flip them, or at least move them around in the pan so the seasoning and the oil gets redistributed. Stick them back in. Take them out again fifteen minutes later, same deal, maybe check and see how done they are and base it on your own tastes. Mine were pretty done, but I threw a little extra seasoning on them (because I like it hot, yeaaaaaah) (and because it looked all cooked off and stuff, and because I was afraid the seasoning might have all fallen into the pan when I scraped the veggies around the pan) (just things to consider!) and stuck them back in for ten more minutes.
  8. Then I ate them.
  9. Like all of them.
  10. Well, Thing 1 had some, and I would have offered some to Thing 2 but I didn’t know she was home, but mostly I ate all of them.
  11. They were SO GOOD.
  12. I think I will go back and make a post all about what happens to just the broccoli later, because chemistry is actually really interesting! Also, SCIENCE

This is…the longest post on this blog, Jaysus. Okay then.