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You don’t really get better from an anxiety disorder.

(I should confess that I have never been officially diagnosed with one. This is in part because I am really good at faking it when I’m experiencing what feels to me like a fairly textbook case of it and having it only come out as being really mean to people I care about and in part because therapists are people you pay money to fix your brain, and I have a hard time trusting someone I’m paying to do what I want. In my family there is a very strong fix-it-yourself mentality, a kind of pull-your-socks-up-and-play-the-game / ignore-it-until-it-goes-away thing, and when I’m in the pit of despair (or whatever) I forget how to process that this is not always going to work.)

But I forgot! I forgot that. So last night when I had probably one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had in years it came as a total surprise, which did not help.

There are too many thoughts in my brain to make this cohesive, but I am writing this mostly so they will calm down and go away: and then there was a list here, but it served its purpose, so I took it back out again.

Like. You would think it would not be hard to remember to take your anti-anxiety meds when you are in the middle of the thing you have them for, but that is surprisingly difficult! Because everything kind of stops making coherent sense, and all roads lead to the land where everyone is really disappointed in you and never thinks of you the same way ever again and you end up really sad forever.

It’s really disheartening sometimes. If it were a map, this would be the part that says “here there be monsters,” and I could, you know, turn around and walk back to a part that didn’t have any monsters in it. But the monsters are in my brain.

Speaking of which: Monsters University is coming out soon, or came out recently, and Thing 1 and Blonde Intern (who needs a better code name, I’ll work on it) are going to try to go see it. And if I get all cathartic and weepy at a Pixar movie when I’m sober and not in my own home I’m going to divorce myself. So keep a weather eye out for THAT, internet, it should be mildly entertaining!

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