Grad school is not…what I thought it would be.

I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, really. I was trying really hard not to expect anything. So I guess in that sense it is exactly what I thought it would be.

I think it’s going to be good. I mean, even if it isn’t it’s probably only going to take me another year and a half and then I’ll move away, I guess, and hope for the best somewhere else.

But I keep asking myself if it’s worth it. Should I always be doing something so that maybe later I will get to do something else?

Which I guess is why grad school is weird–even when I go to social events, or when people talk about the different student organizations, everyone says they’re important because the people you meet might be able to help you out in the future. It is called Networking. You are always nice to everyone forever, because in six years they might find your business card and go “oh, she wasn’t hateful” and then pay you to do something.

One of my classes is really driving me crazy because its basis is in how to make libraries, and reference librarians, more important in their communities–how better to help people. We are customer service representatives, basically, except it’s better to call them “clients” because then you’re doing something slightly more important than retail. Theoretically.

Mom would say I’m letting it get to me too much. (She has.) And, I mean, I’m not denying that it is impossible to be absolutely thrilled with what you are doing all of the time. But it would be nice to care about it at all.

I was going to keep this blog happy and upbeat all the time, but that’s not real. And I’m still trying. I’m still pushing through, or something. And–this is getting really weirdly defensive AND self-important, but I think it matters to have those kinds of stories out there–the ones where people are just doing as much as they can when they can’t really find a reason for doing anything.

Technically I’m at work, so I’m going to stop typing this now and go back to watching the frequency levels on Audacity.